


i called you a deadweight has-been (i said to the mirror)

by hiraethia



Series: deadweight has-been, i still love you [1]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, M/M, Major Brosten feels, Mental Health Issues, Past Injury, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-01
Updated: 2018-12-01
Packaged: 2019-09-04 21:58:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16797841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hiraethia/pseuds/hiraethia
Summary: in which nathan fucked up neil's legs in baltimore, but not enough that he was completely incapacitated.tumblr prompt: "yell, scream, cry, please, just say something, anything"





	i called you a deadweight has-been (i said to the mirror)

**Author's Note:**

> also was posted on [tumblr](https://hi-raethia.tumblr.com/post/180673834304/number-64-for-the-drabble-thing-if-you-want-too#notes)

**** Neil wasn’t as fast anymore. He could still run, yes, but he had to wear his knee braces and take his painkillers and do his special exercises every day so that his legs didn’t give out on him. 

His father had fucked him up.  _ At least you still  _ have  _ legs _ , a scathing voice whispered in the back of Neil’s head as he struggled out of bed for yet another day, strapping on his braces while wondering if he should even bother. After all, his father hadn’t been able to keep his promise of cutting Neil to pieces, but he’d managed to do some damage to his tendons by the time Stuart arrived. Not so much damage that it left Neil completely incapable of walking, but just enough that walking was now a luxury Neil wasn’t sure if he was willing to afford.

But the only thing that mattered was Neil  _ had  _ to afford it - because he’d made a deal with Ichirou that his injury wouldn’t take away from his worth as an asset. Because he’d still made a deal for his life and his family’s lives, and as long as he could still function it’d have to do.

Andrew wasn’t pleased. He wasn’t pleased at all with how much harder Neil had to work to even be as fast as Nicky. He wasn’t pleased with the sheer mental toll it took on him to even try and get out of bed most days. And he wasn’t pleased with how much Neil kept pushing himself. Neil knew all of that. 

But he didn’t have a choice.

It all came to a head when Neil went too far during a practice scrimmage, and a piercing pain shot through his left leg when he made a pivot too quickly. He collapsed despite the braces that were supposed to hold him up, a hiss of pain colliding against his gritted teeth as his racquet clattered to the ground, ball rolling out of the net.

The shrill noise of Wymack’s pierced through the ringing in his ears. Everything slowed down as Neil rolled over onto his back, eyes scrunched up as he held back the hurt groan threatening to tear out of his mouth. He could hear footsteps quickly approaching him, but only when a large hand clasped his shoulder did he blearily open his eyes.

Surprisingly - or not, really - it was Kevin who had gotten to him first. Neil would’ve tried to get up without his help, but the pain that clenched around his legs like an iron band wouldn’t let him. Go figure. 

He could only manage a croaked, “‘M sorry,” before Kevin was fiercely shushing him.

“Shut the fuck up,” he snapped, voice cracking at the edges with ill-disguised concern. Neil looked back around, and to his dismay there was a crowd gathering loosely around him. The Foxes were staring at either him and Kevin or at the ground or the stadium ceiling. Even Aaron looked pained, though as soon as he met Neil’s gaze he looked away.

Only a few moments later, there was the sound of the court door slamming open and then shut. Neil glanced over to see Andrew shoving his way through the Foxes, followed closely by Abby and Wymack.

“Stay still, Junkie,” he murmured as soon as he got within earshot, dropping to his knees beside Neil and tangling his fingers in Neil’s hair.

“I’m not dying,” Neil whispered, once he was quasi-sure he sounded like he wasn’t dying from pain. Abby knelt down beside him, running careful hands over his knees and frowning.

“It shouldn’t be anything too serious,” she said after a tense minute. “Have you been doing your stretches?”

“Yes,” Neil lied. He hadn’t done them that morning. Or the morning before.

“You need rest. You’re overworking yourself,” Abby continued. “David, he won’t be able to play in the next game.”

At that, Neil sat up. This time he couldn’t quite hold back the groan of pain the movement elicited, and anguish flashed across Abby’s face at the noise. But panic and the thought of his deal with Ichirou was enough to override the pain for a minute, and before he could protest, Wymack was cutting him off.

“Josten,” he said, gruffness shadowed by the  _ old  _ look on his face. “You’re important here, okay, kid? But I’m benching you at least for the next couple of practices. I can’t have you driving yourself to the ground.”

The implicit  _ and the rest of the team _ was as loud as a gunshot.

Any form of protest dried on Neil’s tongue, and he could do nothing but stare blankly forward as Kevin left his side to collect his racquet. Andrew murmured a quiet, “Yes or no?” to which Neil only found the strength to dip his head quietly at. 

Andrew waited only a few more minutes before wrapping one arm around the back of Neil’s shoulders, looping the other one carefully around the backs of his thighs. He hoisted Neil up like he weighed nothing and began taking him out. Neil stared as Wymack ushered the Foxes away to resume practice, before his gaze fell on Abby.

She looked like she had tears in her eyes.

\--

The Foxes all piled into Neil’s dorm the next day for their movie night. Dan had chosen some action movie that Neil hadn’t dedicated enough mental energy to remember the title of, and the air smelled of microwave popcorn and cup noodles. 

It would’ve been nice and peaceful if it wasn’t for the obvious tension and false normality crackling through the air like thunder. Neil hated it. He knew it was because of him. 

Not just because he was  _ benched _ . 

But because the Foxes’ fastest striker had been reduced to a deadweight.

Because he was a stupid, piece of shit burden that couldn’t even function in the one thing he was good for.

Because he walked funny now.

Because all he could do was stare at the rest of the world as it kept spinning around him, and all he could do was hope that it would stop spinning just for  _ one  _ second so he could catch his fucking breath - but that was impossible. Instead he just sat there as his chest caved in and winter made itself at home in his bones, taking his meds one day at a time as the same thought inevitably ran through the heads of every single Fox - 

_ Useless _ . 

He hated himself for it.

Neil didn’t know how much time had passed until Andrew shifted away from his side. He dragged his gaze away from the TV screen (it was some gun shootout again, which was classic, he supposed) and met Andrew’s hazel eyes. 

“I’ll be back,” was all Andrew said, before he pushed himself off the couch and left for their bedroom. 

Neil stared after him for a few seconds, before silently going back to watching - but not absorbing - the movie. Only a few moments later, the cushion next to him sagged slightly, and out of the corner of his eye, Neil could recognize Matt’s figure.

“Hey,” Matt whispered after a pause, quietly enough that only Neil could hear him. “Bro, look at me.”

Neil forced himself to meet Matt’s eyes. He nearly cringed away at the sheer earnestness and concern in his friend’s expression.

“You haven’t said anything since yesterday,” Matt continued softly, reaching forward. Neil let him rest his hand on his shoulder, squeezing lightly. “This sucks, you know? This really fucking sucks. I hate seeing you like this. Just - ”

He cut himself off, like he was steeling himself for something. Neil’s mind reeled as he tried to understand his words.

“Neil,” Matt said again, almost urgently this time. “Yell, scream, cry. Please, just say something,  _ anything _ . Don’t shut yourself out. We’re here for you.”

(It hurt to be lost).

((He didn’t know it’d hurt this much to be found, either)).

Something inside him broke. Neil’s shoulders began shaking and his hands began trembling, but he didn’t cry. He only managed to hoarsely say, “Fuck you, Matt,” and let his friend tug him in for an embrace.

Matt hugged him like he was afraid Neil would disappear if he let go. Like if he held him tightly enough, he’d manage to put back together a few of his shattered pieces.

Neil buried his face in Matt’s chest, dragging in a shaky breath and reaching forward, clutching at his shirt with his aching fingers.

“I love you,” Matt whispered into his hair, patting the back of his head. “It’ll be okay. I love you.”

Neil couldn’t answer. Matt didn’t seem to care. He let Neil lie against him, holding him tightly, and for a few seconds, Neil thought he felt more alive than he had been in the past week.

\--

Eventually when Andrew came back, his friend reluctantly let him go. But he sent him a reassuring smile, squeezing his wrist tightly.

Neil settled back against Andrew, leaning his head against his sturdy shoulder as Andrew shook a couple pills out onto his hand, silently holding them up to Neil. He picked the painkillers up and swallowed them dry, before tipping his head back again and closing his eyes. 

He let himself drift off to the dull pain still flaring behind his knees and the warmth of Andrew and Matt on either side of him. Before he dozed off for good, he thought he felt the slightest pressure against his temple - a kiss.

But he fell asleep before he could really tell.

**Author's Note:**

> uhhh me projecting all my issues onto neil? more likely than u think


End file.
